IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

My day yesterday.
Gmah2 calls me the other night. She desperately needs my help with a surprise wedding shower.
Gmah2 and I have been friends for over 20 years. Of course, I’ll help.
What do I need to do?
Hem some table cloths. – Check
Bring some ribbon. – Check
Bring some lace. – Check
You’ll probably need to bring your sewing machine “just in case.” – Check
Glue sticks and a glue gun? – Check
Gmah2 tells me she’ll pick me up in the morning, which she does. It isn’t until we’re driving past her neighborhood that I ask where the hell we’re going. “Oh,” she says. “We’re doing everything at Linda’s place.”
Perfect. I’ve met Linda once. I don’t know where Linda lives. Scratch that. I DO NOW!
Three words – This fucking heat!
Add to that, this fucking heat in the middle of nowhere fucking Idaho. Sitting in an old farmhouse with one teenie, tiny window unit AC.
Add to that, nearly 20 people mulling about and all of the body heat to go with ’em.
Add to that, walking back and forth to a hot ass, mofo, barn in the middle of nowhere fucking Idaho.
Did I happen to mention that I had on a dress and flip flops??

I thought I was going to Gmah2’s house. A beautiful house in the beautiful suburbs with AC that runs so cold you could hang meat. But no. I’m in the middle of nowhere fucking Idaho trying to sew, hot glue and decorate around 20 other sweaty fucking people. 20 other sweaty people that were supposed to be helping and ended up doing nothing but drinking soda and eating chips while Gmah2 and I did all of the work, in an old farmhouse with a teenie, tiny window unit AC that, FYI, I huff n’ puff out more air when I’m wiggling and wriggling into my sports bra fresh out of the shower than that thing kicked out on high!
Besides my hair and my temper, ya’ wanna’ know what doesn’t hold up in this heat? ANY decorations made using a hot glue gun!
In fact, I said, “I don’t think this is going to work guys. It’s too hot.”
“Oh no!” They said. “They’ll be fine, we’ll put them in front of the fans.”
“Okay, first of all, before these glued up, laced up ribboned up fucking wreaths go in front of the fans, my fat ass is sitting in front of one.
And second, no. No, they won’t be fine, ” I said. “No, they fucking won’t.”
SURPRISE! Me melting at a dining room table, sewing away with burnt fucking fingertips from the million and one itty bitty flowers and seashells I’d been gluing to wreaths all day and one by one I hear shit falling off of the wreaths and onto the floor.
Then I hear someone say, and I don’t know who said it because trust me I would’ve got the glue gun and glued their mouth shut..
“Maybe if we put them in the freezer.”
I.Was.Done.
At some point some old guy, I guess he lived there. I don’t know. He yells out, “I’m firin’ up the grill! Who wants some hot dogs and burgers?” Seriously? It’s a million degrees outside. And everybody starts gathering up chairs and tables and then out of nowhere, enough food to feed a small country starts streaming out the door. I just want to die. I want a pool, a lake, a beach, my tub, my shower. SOMETHING!

I find Gmah2 and say, “Hey, looks like things are winding down. Uh, when are we heading out?”
– I didn’t take my vehicle. I should’ve taken my vehicle. I ALWAYS take my vehicle. Why???? Because of situations Just.Like.This. –
Gmah2 says to me, “Well, don’t you want to eat first? They made all this food.”
“No, Gmah2. I don’t want to eat. I want to jump in the nearest fucking lake. I want to pour a bucket of water over my head. I want to strip down naked and run thru the irrigation sprinklers. So no. No. I don’t want a fucking hot dog and warm potato salad and melted jello. I want to go home.” I said this as sweetly as I could to my dear, old friend. I even smiled. Sort of. It could’ve been a snarl.

My dear, old friend who knows me so well promptly turned around and gave a shout out, “Okay. Well, we gotta’ go. See you on Saturday.”
On the way home, Gmah2 apologized for not telling me ahead of time where we’d be, how hot the house would be, how many people would be mulling about in that old, hot house, and most of all for the shitty air conditioning. Had I known, I would’ve prepared differently. I certainly wouldn’t have worn a dress and flip flops! And, I probably would’ve said no.
On the way home Gmah2 also bought me a giant ice cream cone.
We’re still friends. Ice cream on a million degree day makes everything better.
Once I finally made it home I nearly dove into my shower and stayed under it until I was a shriveled prune. I got out, grabbed a huge glass of iced tea and this book. It was one of my “stuff a bag” library book sale books.
According to ‘Good Reads’ I started this book back in April. Makes sense. I’ve been busy. I’ve never read this author before but I do like her. She’ll be getting a 5 star rating.
And that, my friends, was my day yesterday. A great prelude into an early morning dr. appt. this morning.
What’s on tap for today? More iced tea. More reading and going, doing, ab-so-lute-ly NOTHING.

Stay cool my friends. Unless you’re in the middle of your winter right now. Then I wish I could send you some of this heat to warm you up!
The best part of my day yesterday besides spending time with Gmah2 was that not one word of politics was spoken and that was heavenly.
Mimi’s quote for the day –
feather