Human flippin’ skin!
If you’re my FB friend you know that last week I was horrified to find something in my cream cheese that I suspect to be human skin.
For your viewing pleasure, here’s a disgusting photo.
Along with the imprint of the wrapper are fingerprints!!
Swirly, curly, no mistaking them, looked at ’em under a magnifying glass, fingerprints!So, I called the cheese company – not sure if I can say their name here until the testing comes back – to let them know that maybe they ought to be looking for a missing employee and interestingly enough if you call this particular, name brand company and tell them that you’ve found what appears to be human skin in your m*ther f*cking brick of cream cheese, they transfer your call to a federal agent.
After repeating the same info. I had just given the company rep, i.e., bar codes, expiration dates, when and where purchased, and a FULL description that makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. Here’s how the conversation goes with the federal agent, who, of course, I didn’t believe to be a federal agent at first and by the end of our conversation I didn’t care who he was because to me, he was just a dumbass.
***Keep in mind. I was very upset and completely horrified finding this. I’d already spent a ridiculous amount of time on the phone to the original cheese rep., then had to repeat everything to this guy, all the while feeling like I was going to vomit at any moment.
I may have been a teeny, tiny bit bitchy..
Me – First of all, if you’re the guy that offers up the lifetime supply of cream cheese for compensation, save it. I don’t want any of your products ever again.
FA – Uh, no ma’am and before we talk about compensation I have a few questions.
Me – Well, your compensation could start with a maid service to clean up the vomit off of my kitchen floor.
FA – I understand you think you’ve found a piece of human skin in your brick of cream cheese?
Me – I don’t think. I know.
FA – Well, how do you know it’s human skin?
Me – Um, because it has fingerprints??? Does this company have something else working in their factories other than humans that would have fingerprints because if they do, I suspect you have bigger issues to deal with.
FA – Well, it is an automated process.
Me – Really? The entire cheese factory is automated? Not one human at any point of the process?? Wow. That’s fucking remarkable.
FA – Ma’am may I remind you that you’re speaking to a federal agent?
Me – You may remind me all you’d like but last I checked there wasn’t a prison for dropping the F-bomb because trust me, if there was, I’d be serving life. Right now, you’re just a guy on the phone asking me questions about this vile and disgusting fucking brick of cream cheese I’ve got laying on my counter. What I need to know is what you want me to do with it? Do you want me to mail it to, take a picture and send it to you, what??
FA – Oh no. I would prefer that you not mail it. We’ll send somebody to come pick it up.
Me – Perfect. In the meantime what would you like me to do with it? Put it back in the box, shove it in a Ziploc baggie, what?
FA – Well, I would like a photo if you wouldn’t mind. We’ll send you a secure link so you can safely email it to us. Uh, what’s your weather like out there?
Me – What?? It’s February in Idaho. What does this have to do with this cream cheese?
FA – Well I was trying to figure out a place where you could store the cheese?
Me – You mean besides my flippin’ refrigerator?? It’s Boise, Idaho not a third world country. I live in a real home and I have a refrigerator.
FA – Okay, yeah. Well go ahead and put it in a Ziploc and we’ll send somebody out, and we ask that you please verify their identity.
Me – Really? Because I have a 100 people showing up at my door wanting my cream cheese??
FA – Ma’am I understand your frustration but these are just things we need to do.
Me – Great. What would you like me to do with the other two bricks of cheese I have in my frig? They were all purchased together, same day, same store. Do you want those too or should I just toss ’em?
FA – Well ma’am I can assure you, in all probability those bricks of cheese are perfectly safe to use.
Me – You’re joking, right? You’re talking to the woman who is standing here in her kitchen with a brick of cream cheese on her counter with human skin on it and more gunk poking out of the end of it. It would take God and Jesus Christ coming down from the heavens telling me they’re safe. So, do ya’ want ’em or am I tossing them.
FA – Okay, well, no, we won’t need them so you can do whatever you want with them. We’ll be calling back to schedule that pick-up. And if you wouldn’t mind, just go ahead and send us that photo. Is there anything else we can help you with?
Me – Nope. I think we’re done here.
FA – Okay. Again. We apologize for the inconvenience Ms. — and once our labs have done their testing we’ll notify you of our findings.
They ended up sending someone out from Indiana for the pick-up so now I suppose we just wait on their test results which I’m sure will turn out NOT to be human flesh but whatever. I’m done with them and cream cheese.
It is now…
CHEESE, GLORIOUS, DISGUSTING, HUMAN SKIN FILLED, CHEEEESE!