Three words.
Human flippin’ skin!
If you’re my FB friend you know that last week I was horrified to find something in my cream cheese that I suspect to be human skin.
For your viewing pleasure, here’s a disgusting photo.

Along with the imprint of the wrapper are fingerprints!!
Swirly, curly, no mistaking them, looked at ’em under a magnifying glass, fingerprints!So, I called the cheese company – not sure if I can say their name here until the testing comes back – to let them know that maybe they ought to be looking for a missing employee and interestingly enough if you call this particular, name brand company and tell them that you’ve found what appears to be human skin in your m*ther f*cking brick of cream cheese, they transfer your call to a federal agent.
After repeating the same info. I had just given the company rep, i.e., bar codes, expiration dates, when and where purchased, and a FULL description that makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. Here’s how the conversation goes with the federal agent, who, of course, I didn’t believe to be a federal agent at first and by the end of our conversation I didn’t care who he was because to me, he was just a dumbass.
***Keep in mind. I was very upset and completely horrified finding this. I’d already spent a ridiculous amount of time on the phone to the original cheese rep., then had to repeat everything to this guy, all the while feeling like I was going to vomit at any moment.
I may have been a teeny, tiny bit bitchy..
Me – First of all, if you’re the guy that offers up the lifetime supply of cream cheese for compensation, save it. I don’t want any of your products ever again.
FA – Uh, no ma’am and before we talk about compensation I have a few questions.
Me – Well, your compensation could start with a maid service to clean up the vomit off of my kitchen floor.
FA – I understand you think you’ve found a piece of human skin in your brick of cream cheese?
Me – I don’t think. I know.
FA – Well, how do you know it’s human skin?
Me – Um, because it has fingerprints??? Does this company have something else working in their factories other than humans that would have fingerprints because if they do, I suspect you have bigger issues to deal with.
FA – Well, it is an automated process.
Me – Really? The entire cheese factory is automated? Not one human at any point of the process?? Wow. That’s fucking remarkable.
FA – Ma’am may I remind you that you’re speaking to a federal agent?
Me – You may remind me all you’d like but last I checked there wasn’t a prison for dropping the F-bomb because trust me, if there was, I’d be serving life. Right now, you’re just a guy on the phone asking me questions about this vile and disgusting fucking brick of cream cheese I’ve got laying on my counter. What I need to know is what you want me to do with it? Do you want me to mail it to, take a picture and send it to you, what??
FA – Oh no. I would prefer that you not mail it. We’ll send somebody to come pick it up.
Me – Perfect. In the meantime what would you like me to do with it? Put it back in the box, shove it in a Ziploc baggie, what?
FA – Well, I would like a photo if you wouldn’t mind. We’ll send you a secure link so you can safely email it to us. Uh, what’s your weather like out there?
Me – What?? It’s February in Idaho. What does this have to do with this cream cheese?
FA – Well I was trying to figure out a place where you could store the cheese?
Me – You mean besides my flippin’ refrigerator?? It’s Boise, Idaho not a third world country. I live in a real home and I have a refrigerator.
FA – Okay, yeah. Well go ahead and put it in a Ziploc and we’ll send somebody out, and we ask that you please verify their identity.
Me – Really? Because I have a 100 people showing up at my door wanting my cream cheese??
FA – Ma’am I understand your frustration but these are just things we need to do.
Me – Great. What would you like me to do with the other two bricks of cheese I have in my frig? They were all purchased together, same day, same store. Do you want those too or should I just toss ’em?
FA – Well ma’am I can assure you, in all probability those bricks of cheese are perfectly safe to use.
Me – You’re joking, right? You’re talking to the woman who is standing here in her kitchen with a brick of cream cheese on her counter with human skin on it and more gunk poking out of the end of it. It would take God and Jesus Christ coming down from the heavens telling me they’re safe. So, do ya’ want ’em or am I tossing them.
FA – Okay, well, no, we won’t need them so you can do whatever you want with them. We’ll be calling back to schedule that pick-up. And if you wouldn’t mind, just go ahead and send us that photo. Is there anything else we can help you with?
Me – Nope. I think we’re done here.
FA – Okay. Again. We apologize for the inconvenience Ms. — and once our labs have done their testing we’ll notify you of our findings.
They ended up sending someone out from Indiana for the pick-up so now I suppose we just wait on their test results which I’m sure will turn out NOT to be human flesh but whatever. I’m done with them and cream cheese.
It is now…


First, a belated Happy Valentine’s Day to all of my lovey dovey, schnuckems n’ cuddle bunnies out there.
And to the rest of us you.
This pretty much says it all.
10 bonus points if you read that to the tune of, “If You’re Happy And You Know It!”
I know yesterday – and the day before that, and the day before that – was supposed to be my “cheese” post but I couldn’t finish that post until the “federallies” came to pick up the flippin’ skin filled cheese, which happened early yesterday morning, so, the cheese post will be tomorrow. Today’s post is a mix mash of whatever. – How’s that for a writer’s hook? –
(I’m laughing at myself. Feel free to join in.)
I hope everyone had a great Valentine’s Day, however you all chose to celebrate it, or not.
My day started out with me, quite literally, falling out of bed at about 4am. Nooooo. I didn’t get kicked out of bed by some really hot guy that was running late for work and throwing clothes at me saying, “Shit, shit, shit. I’m late, we gotta’ go!” – Although that may have happened “once upon a time.” – Nope. I seriously rolled over and fell out of bed. Not even kidding. So yeah. “Happy Valentine’s Day” to me. And of course, the loud ass thud from my big ‘ol ass hitting the floor brought my pup scurrying to the edge of the bed to investigate the commotion and when I looked up at her I’m pretty sure I heard her say, “What the hell are you doing down there?”
And then she crawled back under the covers.
Wide awake it was time to greet the day and make some coffee.
Despite my spill outta’ bed, I greeted the day with a smile.
My day decided to be an asshole and greet me like this.
Sorry rain, you won’t rain on my Valentine’s Day parade.. Um.. Except you did.. Aaaallll flippin’ day! – Asshole.
I made myself a festive Valentine’s Day cuppa java.
Mocha with a dollop of marshmallow fluff and some Christmas sprinkles.
Whatever, don’t judge. I didn’t have any just plain ‘ol regular red sprinkles, and really, birth of Christ, martyred saint? Close enough.
(Aaaaand I’m pretty sure I’m going to hell for that one…)
I went and got my hair cut off again. It feels great, looks great, and I feel human again.
Well, it solved one of mine. I’d still like to hit the lottery and solve the rest.
Then I went with my boy and his girl to an antique mall. We made no purchases but saw a lot of cool stuff.
I loved this bench. Obviously more of a decorative piece due to age but it would still look beautiful in an entry way.
Price tag: $500
I thought this little hand-painted, enamel box was super cute. I love the two ladies sitting together sharing a cup of coffee or tea. Made me think of my gal pals.
Price tag: $45
I got a lit’l homesick when I came across this gem.
Price tag: $65
And I almost bought this little vase. I loved everything about it. The style, the colors, the painting..
And now that I see it again, I wish I had..
Price tag: $28
Every time I go anywhere near an antique shop I wish I had “Antiques Roadshow” on speed dial because there are so many things with tags that claim to be authentic or that it’s #3 of only 40 made, and those things always come with the highest price tags, and my fear is that I’d be “that woman” that paid $1,000 dollars for something and it turned out to be worth two bucks. I’d be so bummed!
I also have another “antique fear.” That I’d purchase something that’s haunted! I don’t buy old mirrors no matter how beautiful they are for that very reason.. Too much unknown energy.
We popped into a couple of thrift stores as well but again, no purchases. The thrift store I deem the worst in Boise, sadly, is the only one that donates a portion of it’s proceeds to the Humane Society and animal shelters around Boise. Their stuff is just so crappy and dirty and this display of theirs? Creepy.
The mannequin in the bed was disturbing. On the other hand, I wish those mannequins were for sale. Those I would buy.
Our next stop, and the most challenging of our surprise day out was finding food. Oh my gosh.. Almost every place we pulled into was jam-packed like it was Valentine’s Day or something. And of course, the one place that wasn’t packed, Mickey Ray’s BBQ, took forever to seat us – they had 4 tables of people – and then once we got seated it was another 10-15 minutes before someone came for our drink order and by then my boy had had enough. The food is great but not if you have to wait over a half hour to get your drinks! We ended up at the very place my boy didn’t want to eat, a Chinese buffet. Not exactly the Valentine’s dinner we all had in mind but then again, we didn’t really have a Valentine’s dinner in mind.
Last stop ‘Shopko’ where we hit some great sales. All of their winter stuff was marked down to as low as $3 for shirts and $6 for pants. I found a cute shirt but my total “Jew Boise” find of the day was a set of four, big, flameless candles with the timer option. for $3.67, normally over $20.
Boo-yah! What can I say? I’m an “Italian Jew” girl and I’ll be going back today to stock up on more shirts – if I can find more cute ones, the woman’s winter wear is a little more rugged looking than I care for.

After ‘Shopko’ we went our separate ways. I came home to sew and the kiddos headed off to see ‘Deadpool.’ I can’t wait to see that myself!
So, that was pretty much Valentine’s Day in my lit’l corner of the world. A pretty awesome day for having planned nothing other than a haircut. I think I should not make plans more often!
This morning started out with “lovin’ from the oven.” I made my boy his favorite snickerdoodles and if he doesn’t wake up soon there will be none left! So, so yummy!
Today it’s supposed to be 62 degrees out with plenty of sunshine so I will be on the road toolin’ around wherever the mood strikes me. I can’t tell you how excited I am for warm weather and sunshine to be a part of our forecasts now. It’s been a long, dark, cold winter and I am more than ready for all things spring and summer!
I hope you have a great Tuesday, whatever you’re doing, and I promise, tomorrow the cheese post!