No need to look in the “Craigslist’s serial killer hunting ground” for today’s “missed connection” because this “missed connection” actually involved me!
And this is why I don’t date.
I went to ‘Home Depot’ to get some wooden dowels for my windows/sliding glass door because we now have some questionable, non-English speaking men living upstairs who have not undergone a background check per “move in regulations.”
I mentioned this in yesterday’s post.
As with most moments in my life, I’m in a hurry. I walk into ‘Home Depot’ with my list and measurements in hand. I stop and ask a cashier where the dowels are and tell her I’ll need someone to cut them for me. She says, “Oh, we have a saw station at the end of the aisle.”
I say, “Oh, well, I’ll need someone to do that for me. I’m in a bit of a hurry.”
She says she’ll send someone over to help me. Perfect.
Off I go.
– Keep in mind, I’m in a hurry.
I told the cashier I was IN A HURRY. –
I’m in the aisle. I spot my “helper.” I immediately start rattling off what I need and my helper just stands there looking at me. I talk fast so I’m thinking, a.) He didn’t understand me or b.) He was too far away to hear what I said. I repeat myself. Again he stands there looking at me. And just when I’m about to be a smart ass and say, “Hello, McFly” my helper starts moving his hands and motioning to his ears and mouth.
MY HELPER IS A DEAF MUTE!
Did I mention I was in a hurry?????
Fuck! – I show my list to him pointing to the length and the width I need, he, in turn, points to the dowels and the “saw station” – FYI, the “saw station” is a hand saw and some rulers.
Are you fucking kidding me right now???
I grab my dowels and head to the front of the store nearly running into another worker.
Thus begins my very own personal “missed connection.”
ME – (Shoving the dowels into the other worker’s face.) “Can you hear and do you speak?”
MC/missed connection (He chuckles.) “Well, yes I can and yes I do. What can I help you with?”
ME – (Holding the dowels inches from his face) “I need these cut. I’m in a hurry. Can you cut these for me?”
MC – “I can do that. What sizes do you need?” (I hand him my list.)
At the saw station he asks me what I’m using the dowels for. I tell him and we end up discussing the crime rate in Boise and he tells me he’s a retired L.A. Detective.
He then proceeds to give me a million and one safety tips and questions the measurements for my dowels.
MC – “You know you want to make sure you get these long enough so that a person couldn’t stick his arm through the window and dislodge the dowel.”
ME – (Pointing at myself from head to toe.) “Detroit girl. I got it. And trust me, long before they got their arm through my window they’d be a dead man.”
He smiles. It’s a nice smile. He’s a handsome guy.
So, handsome MC with the nice smile finishes cutting the dowels and hands them to me and then, BOOM.
MC – “May I ask for you phone number?”
ME – (Taking note of his manners.) “You may ask but the answer is no.”
He stares at me. He has crystal blue eyes.
MC – “Why not?”
ME – “Well, Mr. Bold, did you miss the part about me being the Detroit girl?”
MC – (Smiling.) “Did you miss the part about me being the retired Detective from L.A.?”
ME – “Prove it. Where are your credentials?”
He stares at me again.
MC – “Where are yours?” (He smiles)
ME – “Seriously? Have you met anyone here in Idaho as mouthy as me, with an attitude like mine and a voice that sounds like “The Nanny,” who asked to see your credentials AND wouldn’t give you their phone number?” (He laughs out loud this time. He has a nice laugh too…)
MC – “Well, if you change your mind I’m here every day.” (Another smile.)
ME – (Dripping with sarcasm.) “Perfect. I’ll be back tomorrow.” And off I go to pay for my shit.
I go to the same cashier who sent my flippin’ “helper.” She says, “How did everything work out for you?” I said, “It didn’t. I tell you I’m in a hurry and you send me some guy that can’t hear and doesn’t speak.” She says, “Oh, that’s Carl. He reads lips.” I said, “Well apparently not these lips because he did nothing for me.” Then I hear laughing, that laugh. My very own personal “missed connection” laugh. I look up and my MC is standing up at the customer service desk listening to my every word, pointing at himself mouthing the words, “every day, I’m here, every day.”
I smiled at him, walked out the door and haven’t been back since.
And that, folks is my very own personal “Missed Connection Monday” post.
Here’s to a great week ahead filled with great smiles, beautiful eyes, and amazing laughter.